Still Learning

When we were in the U.S. last year, Tim stumbled on The Gospel in Life workbook with CD by Tim Keller. He bought every member of the team a workbook and announced that we were going to do this study together because it was fundamental to how we relate to ourselves, our work, and one another. I was not prepared for the view in the mirror. Keller talks about how we have particular idols in our lives, basic attitudes that show up when our idols are not fed. For example, one idol might be approval. I subtly think, "Life only has meaning/I only have worth if...I am loved and respected by ...." Or another one: "Life only has meaning/I only have worth if... I am highly productive and getting a lot done" (p. 43). That latter business gets at idolatry of work.

While Keller's definitions may seem extreme, I began to see that on days when I am not productive, and especially after three weeks of coughing and hacking and getting little to nothing done, I don't feel very good about me. In America, we pride ourselves on being busy. "How are you?" "Great, but really busy!" is the answer we heard over and over last year while back in the States, as though "busy" is to be commended because if I'm busy, I'm important. I'm doing good stuff--and often the people who told me how busy they were went on to list all the wonderful things they were doing. I got sick of hearing that word "busy," but gradually I realized I too was "really busy" and getting a lot of inward strokes from a full calendar. An idol, just like Keller says. Only I hadn't seen it quite that way before. And certainly not in me. After all, I was just "redeeming the time." Or was I?

And this past summer, when I felt a lack of respect from someone I considered a friend, I went to my balcony flower boxes (no garden here) and ate quite a few worms. When I sensed a lack of respect from someone for my husband, I realized that too was an idol. Not very pretty. As one of my teammates said, "We're pretty hard on the Israelites for making a golden calf and worshiping it. But we each have our own golden calves." I would add, I'm don't just have golden calves; I'm pretty busy polishing them until they shine brightly, not thinking of them as idols at all.

Talking about leaving Berlin has also made me take stock (excuse the pun). At first, Tim and I said, "We'll go anywhere! Do anything God wants us to do!" Well, not quite. As various things have cropped up, the "anything" gets more and more narrowed down. There are things about living and working in Berlin that I frankly just don't like the idea of giving up. Things like being in charge of my time, of living somewhere interesting and a bit exotic, of being respected and approved of because I'm doing something others seem to think is significant, of ... of ... of ...

Keller's subtitle is "Grace changes Everything." I'm only in chapter three. I've got a lot of looking in the mirror to go!